Men, Show Us Your True Colors...

A recent discussion thread on Table Talk (the intracampus discussion forum at my seminary) involved the gender-appropriateness of certain colors. While many of the more rational participants noted that the color of one's shirt does not matter, an extreme and paranoid minority stood firmly behind what they believed to be culturally-inherent values and parameters for gender and color. One bold individual even called the wearing of pink by males something to the effect of the "intentional feminizing" of the American male and the deconstruction of social gender taboos.

In response, the powers-that-be in the seminary responded, siding (not surprisingly) with the radical, conservative element. Here is the official press release:

May 8, 2006
Contact: Joe Manly, Director of Color Communications
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Dear Asbury Community

It has come to our attention that there has been some severe color confusion on campus. Men of Asbury, please know that we are well aware that this situation and working hard to come up with a creative and authoritative solution to the problem.

Beginning next month, we will be installing someone in the position of Color Enforcement Officer. The main responsibility of this officer will be to maintain the approved status color quo. Demerits will be handed out for wearing anything other than your approved gender color. Men should be properly attired in Blue. The darker the shading the better. Anything below Royal Blue will be penalized. The wearing of any pastels, purples or pinks could result in immediate dismissal from ATS. Please also be aware that any signs of originality in dress could result in a formal hearing before the CEMT (Color Equals Manliness Tribunal).

We are still accepting applications for the position. The position requires extreme masculinity and intense insecurity. A degree of paranoia is preferred. A former or current Boy Scout would be ideal since they are known for their manliness. Please direct all application to the HuMAN Resources office.

Asbury will also be adhering to a strict enforcement of their new Ethos Statement regarding color schemes. All students will be required to sign and abide by the Color Ethos statement or their sexuality will be questioned. This new policy is to enforce the idea that ATS will not succumb to postmodern cultural destructivism and all its evils. Please see the approved color chart that is listed below. Thank you for your cooperation in making Asbury Seminary a confusion free zone with regards to color schemes. We are striving towards holiness and color clarity here on earth.

Approved Man Colors - Blue, Dark Blue, Midnight Blue, Black, Brown, Tan and Camouflage.

Approved Woman Colors - Pink

Thank you again for your cooperation!