Wesleyan HQ Unveils "Wesleyan Appropriate" Valentine's Day Candy

Indianapolis -- The Rev. John Handshoe, Director of the Department of Spiritual Formation for The Wesleyan Church, announced Wednesday at a press conference that The Wesleyan Church was unveiling a new line of Valentine's Day candy that is what he terms, "Wesleyan appropriate." The "headliner" of the new line of candies is the abstinence inspired "Sancta-Sweet" candy hearts, replacing the popular messaged candy hearts which are abundant during this time of year. Handshoe spoke at length about the submission:

"We are very excited about the potential for this candy. Currently, the secular market advertises a frankly promiscuous message with their candies, what with the "URAQT," "Come to Me" and "Let's Date." We do not believe that our kids should be exposed to these kinds of damaging and sexually explicit messages. Therefore, our own line of messaged candy hearts will promote a Wesleyan ethic with positive messages like "Saving Myself 4 You" and "Kiss When We're Married."

When quesitoned about the marketability of these "alternative" candies, Handshoe replied,

"We've done extensive market research. This has included individual youth groups, target groups of Sunday School classes and millions of the tiny delicious hearts that were launched at thousands of Wesleyan youths at the various Youth Conferences around the country. The response was overwhelming."

One youth, Caleb McIntosh, was at the Denver youth rally and was submitted to a hail of prototypes of the "Sancta-Sweet" candy hearts fired from potato guns wielded by Conference representatives on stage: "Yeah," Caleb reminisced, "I was, like, head banging to the band when all of a sudden a little pink heart nailed me in the head. It was pretty cool."

Handshoe continued: "With a response like that, we know that the "Sancta-Sweet" candy hearts will be a huge success with the kids. Plus, we get to share with them the message of God's love and his will for their lives in this turbulent period of their lives. I personally think the "Wesley was a QT" will be a big hit."