Recently, one of those oft-annoying "FWD:" emails went around the office. One of the gentlemen with whom I work is notorious (thank God) for coming up with deliciously sarcastic and belligerent responses to these emails. Below is an excellent sample of his masterful work:You know how elementary school teachers are always having kids compose letters to God, and then everyone oohs and ahhs about how cute the letters are? Well, God doesnt' think it's so cute, according to SC. Here's what God has to say in reply...
1) Dear God: Are you really invisible or is that just a trick? - Lucy
ANSWER: It's just a trick. When manifesting in human form, I take the name of George W. Bush.
2) Dear God: Did you mean for giraffes to look like that or was it an accident? - Norma
ANSWER: I meant for it to happen. Just like I meant for your Daddy to beat your Mommy with a tire iron.
3) Dear God: Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why not just keep the ones you got now? - Jane
ANSWER: People die because they do bad things. Not my problem.
4) Dear God: I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? - Neil
ANSWER: It is okay to kiss in church as long as you are kissing someone of the opposite sex. Otherwise, you're going to hell.
5) Dear God: In bible times, did they really talk that fancy? - Jennifer
ANSWER: No, they didn't talk that fancy in bible times. Only homosexual 17th-century English kings talked like that. But it's fun to pretend.
6) Dear God: I am American. What are you? - Robert
ANSWER: I am THE American.
7) Dear God: Thanks for the baby brother but what I prayed for was a puppy. - Joyce
ANSWER: Get used to not getting what you pray for. It's one of those amusing little quirks that you'll come to know and love about me.
8) Dear God: Please put another holiday in between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now. - Ginny
ANSWER: Christmas and Easter are the only two holidays you need to worry about. Spend the months in between praying forgiveness for that thing you did in the bathroom the other day.
9) Dear God: If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her. - Denise
ANSWER: You'll be lucky to come back as a dung beetle, you little turd.
10) Dear God: If you give me a genie lamp like Alladin, I will give you anything you want except my money and my chess set. - Raphael
ANSWER: Listen, Raph-whatever your name is. I don't want your chess set anyway. Only geeks play chess.
11) Dear God: Please send Dennis Clark to a different camp this year. - Peter
ANSWER: How about I just smite him instead?
12) Dear God: Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. - Larry
ANSWER: Cain and Abel fought because Cain was a sinful, sinful man. Abel had to die so that ye might have life and have it more.... Oh wait. That was Jesus. Never mind. Wrong Testament.
13) Dear God: I want to be just like my dad when I get big, but not with so much hair all over. - Sam
ANSWER: So you're saying you want to be a hopeless loser with a bratty kid?
14) Dear God: I keep waiting for Spring, but it never comes yet. Don't forget. - Mark
ANSWER: How about you worry about not whining so much, and let me worry about the weather, mkay?
15) Dear God: You don't have to worry about me, I always look both ways. - Dean
ANSWER: Then I guess I'll have to come up with some other way to get rid of you.
16) Dear God: I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. - Ruth M.
ANSWER: Thank you. It certainly was a moment of inspiration that I didn't have when I invented you.
17) Dear God: I think about you sometimes even when I'm not praying. - Elliott
ANSWER: Really? I never think about you. Come to think of it, I don't even know who you are.
18) Dear God: I bet it is hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in my family and I can never do it. - Nan
ANSWER: I don't love everyone in the whole world. Only white, straight, Americans. And I prefer the males, although I put up with the women because they have the babies. A necessary evil, to be sure.
19) Dear God: If you watch in church on Sunday, I will show you my new shoes. - Mickey D.
ANSWER: It better only be your shoes you're showing, buddy boy.
20) Dear God: I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the bible. - Chris
ANSWER: I don't think I could handle you more than 12 or 13 years, I'm afraid.
21) Dear God: We read Thos. Edison made light. But in Sun. School they said you did it. I bet he stoled your idea. - Donna
ANSWER: Scientists like Thomas Edison are godless sinners for whom hell was made. If your school is teaching that, it may need to be destroyed by a well-placed bomb.
22) Dear God: If you didn't let the dinosaur go extinct, we would not have a country. You did the right thing. - Jonathon.
ANSWER: Dinosaurs? Haven't you figured out yet that dinosaurs are hoaxes, propogated by the vast atheist scientist conspiracy?
23) Dear God: I do not think anyone could be a better God. Well, I just want you to know but I am not just saying that because you are God. - Charles
ANSWER: I'll meet you one day in Paradise, my child.
(thanks to SC!)
7 comments:
LOL!
Very good.
KICK ASS!!!! Oh, sorry, *ARSE!
I pray for you exist dissolve because right now, and i am very sorry to say this, if you were to die you would exist and burn . . . for eternity.
anonymous--
That's funny, I didn't know God was a blogger. I thought for sure God would have at least given me a link to a blog, though...
sorry exist i am not God, and i do not have a blog i just want you to know that i am worried about you.
In Christ,
Chris
I appreciate your concern. However, I think a more productive way of expressing your concern, besides speculating about my eternal destination, would be to explain why you are so concerned.
I am concerned because you posted this blasphemous article on your blog and you do not seem to love God. I may be wrong on maybe assumptions about you, perhaps you just have a more liberal theology than most people. All i know is that if you do not love God and look to Christ for your salvation, you will not be welcomed into God's kindgom.
In Christ,
Chris
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